Over the past few, well, I guess weeks now, God has really been trying to teach me to have more faith in Him. There are many times that I find myself not wanting to trust Him. But why? I mean, He did create me. He does have a perfect plan for my life, doesn't He? What makes me think I have a better plan and will for my life than He does? For crying out loud...I'm human and He's GOD. He knows all...I know nothing. Why am I trying to keep parts of my life from being in God's total control? Why do I still hang on to those small areas in my life, when I know...beyond the shadow of a doubt...He has a plan to glorify Himself through my life? Why should I want to change it so that I'm in control and not glorifying Him? It's strange how we think sometimes. We often think we're invincible and that we know what's best for our lives, when all we really need to do is hide ourselves in the One that truly knows what's best for us. God's been trying to teach me to trust in Him for the seemingly small things in my life now, then later I'll be able to trust and have faith in Him for the bigger things in life. But it's almost as if I shouldn't have to go through trusting Him in the small things just to trust Him in the big things. I should already trust Him. But, I don't. He's very patient with me. Waiting for me to have faith in Him and trust Him for everything.
I was noticing this morning at the Madrigal Rehearsal how Dr. Budahl is a man of faith and trust in God. This is his last semester here at MBBC teaching music. He'll be going back on the mission field next year. I've only known the man this semester, really. He's made such an impact in my life already. I don't know if he knows exactly what he'll be doing once he's back on the mission field, but even if he does, how much faith does he need in God to direct, lead, and provide for him and his wife. He's an amazing man. I'm so broken right now about my lack of faith and trust in my God.
In reading the book, "Living the Cross-Centered Life" by C. J. Mahaney, I have been completely rebuked also in my lack of love for my Savior. This is definitely a book every Christian should read. It will change your outlook on life. It has mine. To picture the true picture of Christ dying on the cross is simply amazing. To picture the love God has for us to send His Son...His only Son for us...for me...is something that honestly brings me to tears to think about. He loved me that much...to die. Not just die. He was brutally marred, scarred, beaten, mocked...tortured in every sense of the word...for you and me. He didn't have to. He prayed that God would let this cup (the cup of God's wrath) pass from Him, yet not Christ's will, but God's will be done. He didn't have to die for us. But He wanted to because He loves us that much. And this brings me back to the lack of faith and trust. He loved me that much...and I can't trust Him?! How stupid of me to even think for one second that He doesn't know what's best for me!
The picture I posted up there reminds of a song that Madrigal is singing called "Hymn of Mercy." The words always get me. It's amazing. I hope they're a blessing to you, as they have been to me.
Gracious Lord, Thy mercy filleth
All the earth below;
All the earth below;
And from heaven's throne it falleth
When to Thee I go.
Mercy flowing, swift pursuing
Like a river strong,
Like a river strong,
Sympathizing with my weakness;
Mercy suff'ring long.
Mercy calling with compassion:
"Oh, return to Me!"
Wounded are the hands extended;
Loving is the plea.
How can I refuse Thy mercy?
Whither would I flee?
Whither would I flee?
From my idol shrine I turn Lord,
Reaching up to Thee.
Tender mercy of the Savior,
Gently drawing nigh;
With the blood that cleanseth sinners,
Ready to apply.
Gracious Lord, Thy mercy filleth
All the earth, below;
And from heaven's throne it falleth
When to Thee I go.
